My nipple is on Facebook.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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