I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
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