Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
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