So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
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