The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
