when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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