dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I supernannyed him into submission
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
