So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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