For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
