Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
