My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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