I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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