I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
