If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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