I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
