thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
