Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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