I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Randomize
