I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
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