What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
How does one acquire holy water?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
