return my video game
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
