I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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