his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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