I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize