Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
