My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
