I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
