I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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