FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
