never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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