Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
My hand turned me down
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
