either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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