Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
