Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
