I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize