It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
