so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
