So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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