dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Randomize
