dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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