Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Who died my cat blue again?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
