watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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