Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
