i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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