i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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