You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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