Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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