Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
