Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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