In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Randomize
