K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
