the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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