it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize