More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize