Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
