do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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