tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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