I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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