i wish starbucks made bloody marys
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
